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Nikiny
December 18th, 2006, 12:56 PM
I played EverQuest for about 4 years till EQII was released, these game are were i get my inspiration. I have no title for this one though, I would like some help if you guys don't mind. Thanks



It was a rainy day. Not much was happening in the city of Kelemvor. Klik was sitting in what the locals called the 'dark side of town'. Many of the cities guards told him many times that his mother and father were warned about him sitting there. Some of the neighboring houses were being vandalized and no suspects were arrested as of yet. So they wanted no one near the commonwealth of the city but he sat there nevertheless. He was waiting, waiting for someone, someone that he missed terribly.

Her name was Anoira and she was sent away by her parents to learn the ways of the arcane magic. He thought about the day she left, she had promised that she would return and they would tell their families about their love but that was months ago. He was sitting there trying to remember what she said to him as the carriage pulled away from the city gates. “I'll be back.” is all he could remember. He began to weep when a guard came near and touched his shoulder. “Son your not suppose to be out here, you better run along home.” he said and Klik walked away.

The next morning Klik got up early and started his morning cores. By midday the couriers came and went. Klik was out in the woods when his sister came running. “Klik!! Come quick!” He ran so fast that by the time her was home he was out of breath and could hardly speak. He's mother said that word had come from Melfolk; Anoira was to be wed on the next full moon. Klik didn't want to hear anymore, he started running out of the house to the stables, he jumped on a horse and rode off before his family could stop him. He rode all night, her voice ‘together forever' was echoing in his mind. By the morn he had reached the outskirts of the city. He sent word to his family once he gotten a room at one of the many inns in Melfolk. Klik picked up a paper and read the headlines. ‘Commoner to wed Prince Nidure' He read on of their engagement and the dates of the celebrations. Tears were running down his face when an old woman stopped near him. “What troubles you young one?” He looked up at her and answered as he pointed to the paper, “I was going to marry her” The old woman looked with surprise at the picture of the Prince's new bride. When she looked up, the boy was gone.

Klik ran through the streets, searching for something that would ease his pain, he stumbled into a bar. "What ye think ye doing here mate?" a voice came. Lots yelling and shoving started so Klik ducked down and made for the back of the bar. It was dark back there; only the pale light from under a door was illuminating his path. As he got closer to the door, he could here muffled voice. Peering through the cracks he could see four men in nobles cloths. Klik was about to stand up and leave when he felt a thud and fell to the floor.
When Klik was starting to wake up the voices he heard were getting louder. "KLIK!!" He opened his eyes and saw Anoira leaning over him. “Is it really you?” Tears started to form. Anoira nodded at him, they hugged and Anoira began to tell him about how she didn't want to marry the Prince and that the Kings guards were keeping her against her will. “How did you..Were are we..” Anoira covered his mouth. “Shhh..we need to sneak out of here. There are guards everywhere in the Cathedral. I made arrangements with a druid at the port to take us to Falicove." Klik looked for his rusty short sword and grabbed Anoira's hand, “Come on, we are getting out of here.”

He grabbed the handle and slowly turned it to open just enough see peek out side. He saw nothing on the right, he opened it some more and peered his head around to the left and saw two guards looking out the window down the hall. Klik tightened his grip on Anoira's hand and pulled her through the door and sneaked quietly down the hall to the steps. He turned to see if their escape from the room was successful and it was, the guards were still unaware of their leaving. The steps were narrow and circled down, the stones where wet and smelled like rat droppings. Anoira saw a rat and yelped, Klik turned his head and looked at the fear in her eyes and grabbed her pulling her over his shoulder. He carried her like this till they came to the bottom of the stairs. The door to the outside was the service exit. So he put her down and had her go to the door. Klik followed her and turned to see two guards walking their way toward the stairs. One of them saw Anoira and ran toward her. Klik jumped in front of her and readied his sword. “Stand where you are, scum!!!” the guard said furiously. Anoira motioned Klik to be careful and she casted some spell that made Klik feel stronger. The guard got close and swung at him. Klik parried and the guard swung again. Their swords hit each other and made a loud clank and the other guard heard this and came running to help.

Klik now had this guard very mad at him, both of them were shouting so loud that one of the guards shouted for help and more were coming. Anoira could hear merchants outside the door selling goods and told Klik that maybe they could run for it. Klik shook his head no and a guard hit him in his side. “UGGH!” Klik shouted in pain. Anoira gasped and looked in her book and found a healing spell. She waved her hands at Klik causing a blue light when Klik shouted “ NOOOO!” Just then one of the guards turned his anger to Anoira and she screamed. A hand came from behind her and grabbed her mouth. “EVAC!!”

When the smoke cleared from the port, Anoira was assisting Klik with his wounds. “I'm glad you two are OK.” the druid said placing his book back in his pack. “I'm glad you came when you did, but I thought you were going to meet us at the port?” Anoira questioned. “I heard some talk about a new weapon in the market so I went to check it out. I didn't know when you guys were going to make it out, frankly I never expected you to make it that far.” “Yea me too, but thanks for getting us out. Now. Anoira want to tell me how I got there in that room with you and how you got in this situation?” Anoira sat down next to Klik and told him how her father made a deal with the King in exchange for her marring the prince.

Rookie
December 18th, 2006, 10:19 PM
You might try spicing up your descriptions a bit. For example:


Klik now had this guard very mad at him, both of them were shouting so loud that one of the guards shouted for help and more were coming. Anoira could hear merchants outside the door selling goods and told Klik that maybe they could run for it. Klik shook his head no and a guard hit him in his side.

They can be made more exciting like so:


Klik now had this guard infuriated at him, both of them were shouting so loud that one of the guards shouted for help and more were coming. Anoira could hear merchants outside the door <unnecessary>selling goods and told Klik that maybe they could escape. Klik shook his head no and a guard struck him in his <specific side?>side.

The selling goods of merchants is a little unneccessary, it is implied that merchants are selling by their profession. So its basically repeating yourself. The use of stronger descriptions such as "struck" instead of "hit" can add a dimension to it. Striking feels more compelling with a weapon instead of hitting them with it. Or even "sliced" or "stabbed" works also. You may go through it and try rewording some of your verbs and adjectives.

How the druid comes into play is a bit vague, you may want to add a few more details about arranging the escape plan. The sudden riding out of town and then arriving at this city is a bit abrupt. You can still do it quickly, but maybe describe him whisking by buildings and farms, or passing slower travelers and leaving them behind him in his dust.

Good plot idea. Just needs a bit of revision, and it has a few minor spelling errors. Nice job. Hope i was able to help. If you would like any more advice drop me a PM.

Clareon Wolfeyes
December 19th, 2006, 09:10 AM
Rookie pretty well covered it, I would delve a little more into fleshing out your story, you jumped around pretty quick and seemed to force the story.