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View Full Version : The Terrible Truth© behind MMORPGs: Part 1



Reis Tahlen
January 14th, 2004, 11:42 AM
People wandering around this forum surely know more than a bit about MMORPGs. But if one of your relatives wants to join you in your favorite virtual world, what should you do? Do you realize that at the very moment he or she'll land a foot on your server, you'll be directly promoted to MENTOR.

Of course, it is quite gratifying to have a Padawan, to be the one who knows, the one who has the experience. But do you remember how long it took you to gain this experience? All the suffering, the tears, the humiliation in front of your computer? Do you REALLY want to start over, risking your sanity and your relationship with your loved (or so said) one?

Of course not. But do you have the choice? No, you haven't.

But now, you have.

Because, thanks to this piece of art called The Terrible Truth© behind MMORPGs, all you have to do is giving a copy of this to your Padawan, and let him go alone. In an evening or two, the sum of knowledge in his possession will make of your relative, if not an equal, at least a good partner in your adventures!

So, what are MMORPGs?

1. Playing magical and strange races

A graceful elf, a stouthearted dwarf, a brutal ogre, a proud human, a terrifying undead you can play almost anything you can imagine. As far as I know, the only races you can't play are the platypus and the pinguin, but I'm not quite sure.

Each race has their own advantages, history, and capacity. Be sure to live a whole another life when you'll take the command of your character! Let me convince you by showing you a scene extracted from World of Warcraft:

Human: What's that smell?
Night Elf: 'can only be the Tauren or the Undead.
Dwarf: You guys never bath?
Tauren: Bath?
Undead: Last time I tried, I lost one leg in the river. Took me hours to find it back.
Human: Okay, forget it. Can someone give me a hand to open this chest?
Undead: Here you are.
Human: WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU PSYCHO?! Take back this rotten thing! I was asking for HELP!
Undead: Oh, sure. Sorry, half my brain is filled with worms, I have some understanding problems.
Night Elf: Beware, I hear ennemies approching.
Dwarf: You're sure?
Night Elf: Yes, 4 Gnolls. One of them has a mad leg, and one another has only one boot...Ah, and one has cold.
Human: How can you know that?
Dwarf: Look at her ears, I'm sure she can hear alien communication like in that film, Contact.
Night Elf: Perhaps my ear are a little long, but I don't smack my forehead to the ground each time I bow!
Dwarf: You...
Human: STOP IT! We must face the menace, what sould we do?
Undead: I propose to put the Gnome forward.
Gnome: At least you recognize the value of a Gnome Warrior!
Undead: Not exactly; I was thinking about attacking them by surprise while they're rolling over to the ground laughing as soon as they see a Gnome.
Gnome: That's not nice!
Undead: No, that's strategy. I call that: "Root by ridiculousness".
Gnome: Okay, that's enough! Have at you!
Dwarf: So you think I'm too short-legged, rabbit ears?
Night Elf: Come on, shorty!
Tauren: Can someone explain to me what is a "bath"?
Human: *cry*


2. Living wonderful adventures

Saving beautiful princesses, saving the world, saving the King, saving...well, saving everything that can be saved, here's the daily routine of true heroes!

The brave Knight entered the dark cave without hesitation: his mind was focused on his mission, slaying the foul beast who lurks in these darkness. He knows no fear, nor showed doubt, as he knows if he failed in his mission, the world would be in great peril. But he had no time for thinking, as he heared the sinister sound of a long, menacing breathing. The monster was in front of him, looking at the Knight with two fiery red eyes. The hero raised his shining sword, and said:

Knight: Behold, for I am Baron Sixte Vares of Ellininisa! I'm here to put an end to your reign of terror! Die...A_WEAK_AND_SHY_RAT!
A weak and shy rat: Squeek?!*
Insert here some epic battle music
Knight: Ha ha! Look at the footwork! Quite impressive, isn't it? Parry, counter-attack, dodge, and...AAAARGH!
A weak and shy rat: Squeeeek!**
An another weak and shy rat: Squek!***
A third weak and shy rat: Squek!***
A weak and shy rat: Squeek squeek!****

* WTF?!
** DING!
*** Gratz :)
**** Four more noobs and I ding again :)

3. Customizing your character appearence

Being a hero is a cool thing, but being recognized a miles away thanks to your unique skin is a better one.
MMORPGs give you a lot of tool to customize your character, giving you the choice of hair color, facial hair size, lenght and weight, and so on. Plus, you can too change the color of your clothes and armor. Skin contests aren't rare, and competitors deploy great lenght of imagination to be THE man of the day with an unique style.

King: Who's the brave who saved our land from the hand of the evil king of Darkshire, Minister?
Minister: I think it's Baron Sixte Vares of Ellininisa, over there.
King: You mean...
Minister: Yes, the knight with the green cuirass and pink leggings.
King: Jesus...I think I'll speak to him later. Who's the next brave who saved our land, this time from the Archdemon Burguzzuguglu?
Minister: The yellow and red with blue spot near the bar.
King: And the brave who saved the land from the lich Arghazul the Tutu Hater?
Minister: The dark purple one with the gray cape, pink boots and the Disco Effect Aura sword.
King: Okay, I think I'm gonna puke...

To be continued...

Satarus
January 14th, 2004, 01:23 PM
King: And the brave who saved the land from the lich Arghazul the Tutu Hater?
Minister: The dark purple one with the gray cape, pink boots and the Disco Effect Aura sword.
King: Okay, I think I'm gonna puke...


hehe classic.

Raven00x
January 14th, 2004, 01:32 PM
King: Who's the brave who saved our land from the hand of the evil king of Darkshire, Minister?
Minister: I think it's Baron Sixte Vares of Ellininisa, over there.
King: You mean...
Minister: Yes, the knight with the green cuirass and pink leggings.
King: Jesus...I think I'll speak to him later. Who's the next brave who saved our land, this time from the Archdemon Burguzzuguglu?
Minister: The yellow and red with blue spot near the bar.
King: And the brave who saved the land from the lich Arghazul the Tutu Hater?
Minister: The dark purple one with the gray cape, pink boots and the Disco Effect Aura sword.
King: Okay, I think I'm gonna puke...

[i]To be continued...
so true...

Kat
January 14th, 2004, 01:39 PM
>_<

I can make armor colors work well! I look sharp! :P

Satarus
January 14th, 2004, 01:45 PM
I dyed my armor so it would be steel wrapped green because i liked the color a lot. Now that i have armor that has the half elf plate on chain look, it looks really nice with my chain bracelets (steelweave cause it has hp/mana and nice resists and AC)

I still miss my blue lambent armor with the tizmak surcoat. That looked really tight as a dark elf.

Penguin (:>(O ):
January 14th, 2004, 04:14 PM
My rogues armor goes from dark to light from the legs up. (i either wear no effect boots or darn green ones). And i havent spent a penny on dyes. But, i do use a pink bracer every once and again <sigh> i might wanna dye that one ... Well i got black leggins, dark silver tunic, dark/pale blue arms, brown wrists, and no effect hands, and also to top it off a plain chainmail helm. My armor looks like something that would protect and look nice for rogue standerds.

I do hope the tauren finds out what a bath is, and i liked the foul beast that was a weak and shy rat.

Pedula_Bristle
January 14th, 2004, 10:06 PM
My monk isn't died but since everything he wears either has no look, or actually shows more skin with it equiped never had any trouble with armor dyes. now my ranger on the other hand, when i finally got him some decent armor he looked like somehting out of a cartoon. every piece had a completly different look and was bright. I do miss the old school Kunark look thought, I mean you KNEW what class someone was by their color. always a mix of Plane of hate/fear armor and kunark drops. /sigh

rimedragona
January 15th, 2004, 09:24 PM
*rofl* That was great! I liked the foul beast section. Cracked me up, it did! And I have seen the combinations people come up with for armor color... I suppose they figure since they are playing in first person, /they/ don't have to see it, so it's okay. *grin*

Foxx
January 19th, 2004, 12:12 AM
Heh heh. That has to be how several newbies start out - thinking they're going to make this uber powerful character and not realizing how many rats they first have to go through... Brilliant. Espescially since I can relate with the whole teaching your realatives the ropes bit. My younger sister is starting out.

Duffy Happypants
January 19th, 2004, 07:27 AM
I taught my friend how to play, but really i just told him to go off and kill stuff untill he gained 52 levels and then we will talk.

Enchanter
January 19th, 2004, 07:58 AM
most people make their clothing a horrible shade of 'god awful' or 'a hearty helping of awfuls'

TalonNYC
January 19th, 2004, 08:57 AM
I never thought I'd actually need to know what "teal" and "chartruesse" were.

*sigh*