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Lessons of a First Time Father

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  • Lessons of a First Time Father

    Fathers-to-be or future fathers-to-be, heed my words now: there are things you must know that no one will teach you. I give unto thee the fruits of my experiences over the past 3 months...

    * Babies are smarter than they appear. This is true in all things, but especially true when it comes to tactical planning. They plot when the most effective time to ambush you will be, and strike without warning. Be aware that they can, as I have discovered to my dismay, spit up three times their own body weight when you are dressed in finery for an interview or meeting, reach into a compressed reserve tank and find even more poop to hose you with while you are changing their diaper, and possess stealth pee that can soak a changing pad and onesey in 1.3 nanoseconds, yet not be visible until you go to put the new diaper on and make the infamous splash-down. Seriously, these are not freak accidents of coincidence, they plan this stuff.

    * Babies carry compression tanks somewhere inside them. This may seem far-fetched, but it is the only possibility that I have come up with to explain how a 15 lb infant can project bodily material further than a 220 lb athletic frat boy in the midst of an epic kegger. Projectile vomiting is nothing, projectile pooping is where it gets REALLY scary. I'm not sure if it holds true with all babies, but ours has a range of about 1.2 meters. Fully-clothed showers and emergency laundry sessions will ensue.

    * Babies are second only to kittens in their expertise of the Cuteness Defense. If anyone else in your life demanded in screaming tirades that you feed them, carry them around, wipe their butt, change their clothes, and basically ensure that the world revolved around them, you'd smack the biscuits out of them... either that, or you have some VERY weird fetishes. Babies can pull it off with their secret weapon, the coo and giggle. My daughter is currently doing this next to me as I type as a prelude to the "STOPTYPINGANDLOVEONMEDAMMITORISHALLFEASTUPONYOURS OUL!!!" screaming session when she realizes I am not holding her. This cuteness also seems to have an affect on the neural network of the brain that centers on memory, because you forget all about the sleepless nights, poo-dodging sessions, getting peed on, the screaming that convinces you that you inherited a particularly obnoxious banshee with an overabundance of enthusiasm for her job, and the ten frillion dollars you spend on things that they either outgrow in thirty seconds, or who's sole purpose is to be urinated and defecated upon and then discarded. Militaries around the world have tried, and failed, to duplicate this pacification technique.

    * Beware the cheese. Yeah, I know, this sounds a bit weird, but apparently the upper digestive tract of an infant can turn milk into cottage cheese in under a minute. This may not sound like that big of a deal, but when it is projectile-horked all over you (see above), you will never be able to look at cottage cheese again. Related to this is the first true poop, which I will cover later.

    * You will need a second job to keep her covered. Between diapers that are priced as if they were made of sentient nanofiber and the clothing that she will wear maybe twice before she outgrows it, you will spend as much covering your child as you will putting her through college. If you have girls, this will only increase exponentially when she hits her teenage years and the subsequent Fad of the Month period kicks off. So, the phenomenal costs of clothing your infant will be good training for later in life.

    * Beware the Poop of Doom. There is something that all fathers will encounter at least once in their lives that can- and has- reduced the toughest, most hardened SpecOps veterans and hardened cops, firefighters, and medics into shuddering shellshocked hollow wrecks of men who will actually devolve into saying "Eeeeew!", probably for the first time in their lives. It is the Poop of Doom. It isn't so much the consistency and appearance of the poop- which resembles week-old guacamole- nor the smell- roadkill combined with sour milk- it is both of those combined with the physics-defying quantity of it and the propensity of the baby to fire off second and even third volleys of it whilst you are still in mid-cleanup from the first. It is the Shatterer of Souls, the Unholy Event, and it WILL scar you for life. My first encounter with it was made worse by the fact that it happened on fajita night. Guacamole will never be the same again.

    * Explosives- the cornerstone of proper parenting. You know what, on second thought, I'll keep that particular lesson to myself. Suffice it to say that you will need a stress reliever. Find one suitable to your particular tastes

  • #2
    Epic. Epic I tell you. Congratulations on the new child, and it's all worth it. At least, until they hit 13... Then it just gets worse. So I've been told. Repeatedly. Since I hit 13.
    My Machines
    Do not mess with the affairs of Dragons, for thou art crunchy, and good with ketchup.

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    • #3
      Roflmao
      WoW - US - Ravencrest - Horde
      Selene - 85 DK | Jalnar - 85 Pally | Pirotase - 85 Hunter | Fierybabe - 85 Mage | Xune - 85 Rogue

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      • #4
        Never had an episode of projectile poop, but I HAVE on more than one occasion seen a baby fill up her diaper and onesey and get pooh in her hair and ears before we got a chance to get to her in time.

        Everything else though.. I've lived through. =)
        Holÿbovine - Tauren ret/prot pally
        Formo - Human Paladin
        Zraxth - Troll fury warrior
        Real ID: tenolein at gmail.com Feel free to add me (and tell me who you are, too).

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        • #5
          The poop just gets worse as they grow. Wait until she starts eating mostly solid foods...*gag*

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          • #6
            I remember with my nephew thinking I would need an ice scraper to get it off his back. That kid's crap could defy gravity.
            Sometimes I do an impression of myself. I can dress like myself, even act like myself sometimes.

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            • #7
              Thanks Breandan...that was fun. Sadly it brought back a few memories of my son (now 3) during his early days...some scars heal really slow.

              FYI - wait until potty training starts....weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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              • #8
                oh ditto on the potty training. It was a royal pain with my daughter. now that she's almost 5, she's potty trained but we still have to tell her to go to the bathroom on occasion cause she's afraid she's miss something or she's having fun and doesn't want to go. You'll have to find a method that works for you guys when you get there. My only suggestion with that is take her out to the store to pick out her potty seat. That seemed to help a lot for us.
                Xbox Live Gamertag: drgnmstr44
                PSN tag: drgnmstr44

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                • #9
                  Oh I just have to laugh. *Sigh and a giggle* It's even more fun when you have more than one child because each one is different and has their own way of grossing you out or leaving you without words to explain the behavior.

                  Congratulations again to the both of you.

                  By the way, I know mine has medical issues, but your wee babe is 3 months younger than mine and weighs more than he does.
                  "When you are courting a nice girl an hour feels like a second. When you sit on a hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." ~Albert Einstein

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                  • #10
                    I don't want to derail, but I thought of this thread when I saw this funny video.

                    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZa7h...layer_embedded
                    Sometimes I do an impression of myself. I can dress like myself, even act like myself sometimes.

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                    • #11
                      HA Bob, that was an awesome video!

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                      • #12
                        Bob, great find! That was a good one.
                        Holÿbovine - Tauren ret/prot pally
                        Formo - Human Paladin
                        Zraxth - Troll fury warrior
                        Real ID: tenolein at gmail.com Feel free to add me (and tell me who you are, too).

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                        • #13
                          I love that video

                          Got Fíonna's ears pierced today... I am proud of myself that I managed to have enough restraint not to put my fist through something when she cried, but she settled down after a minute and Tiff spent more time calming me down form borderline berserker rage than she had to spend comforting Fí
                          >.<

                          So, to add to the list-

                          You will discover your inner caveman. Og no like when bad people make baby scream! Og SMASH BAD PEOPLE!

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                          • #14
                            We wanted our daughter to get her ears done but we waited till she was 4. I kind of felt bad about it cause she was all happy and excited to get it done and was smiling in the chair when they marked her ears. they pierced both at once and then a few moments went by before the crying started. I really did feel bad about it since most people say if you're gonna do it, do it when they are younger so they don't remember.
                            Xbox Live Gamertag: drgnmstr44
                            PSN tag: drgnmstr44

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by drgnmstr44 View Post
                              We wanted our daughter to get her ears done but we waited till she was 4. I kind of felt bad about it cause she was all happy and excited to get it done and was smiling in the chair when they marked her ears. they pierced both at once and then a few moments went by before the crying started. I really did feel bad about it since most people say if you're gonna do it, do it when they are younger so they don't remember.
                              My daughter is now 13 (I am waiting in fear of the day when she realizes that she is smarter than her dad, but for now I am still daddy). She wanted her ears pierced when she was younger (around 5) and it didn't work out. Me being the loving daddy I told her that when she wanted to get her ears pierced again that I would go as well. Flash forward to 2007, she is 10 and wants her ears pierced again and comes to me saying "Daddy, lets go get our ears pierced." She remembered.

                              So I have my ear pierced. It goes good with my shaved head.
                              Formerly:
                              Gabbath - WoW Pally on Gnomeregan; Rift Cleric on Belmont; Sith Warrior on Kaas City
                              Ghaani - EQ Ranger from Lanys T'vyl & WoW Hunter on Gnomeregan
                              - all retired

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